However, it remains possible to promote a more rational discussion when dealing with an angry partner with these tips: 

Stop being reactive.

This is not to say that you should passively accept mistreatment and harsh words; however, it might lessen the sting if you realize that some people have the propensity to take out their frustrations on the safest target. 

Instead of reacting negatively or being defensive, the best approach is to remain calm, or if you can’t, de-escalate the situation by leaving. 

You may also try talking to your spouse calmly, asking questions like, “I understand your anger, but the way you’re talking to me makes me feel disrespected.”

Be respectful but assertive.

Another way to de-escalate the situation is to speak in an assertive but respectful manner, which shows that you are confident, mature, and in control of your emotions. 

Detach yourself.

This is not to say that you emotionally detach yourself from your spouse. The goal here is to realize that, in general, perpetually angry people have this toxic emotion that has nothing to do with you. 

Practice compassionate assertiveness.

The most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to model compassion and insist that people close to you treat you with the respect you deserve. 

 Show empathy.

If your spouse is willing to talk with you about the source of their anger, you may find it easier to show kindness. But if not, don’t let it interfere with your ability to hand out compassion towards them. 

When showing empathy, be consistent. The idea is to communicate to your spouse that you are a “safe place.”

Do not apologize.

Some people commit the mistake of apologizing for something they didn’t do just to de-escalate the situation. Doing so is a huge disservice to your self-esteem and self-worth. 

Reflect on your actions.

One way to understand your spouse’s triggers is to reflect on your actions. For instance, if you play a role in the escalation of an argument, admit your role. Doing so may reduce the tension and even encourage your partner to take their responsibility as well. 

Wait until the tension dies down.

When your spouse’s emotional state is high, a discussion is often futile because their state of mind is clouded with anger that your word–no matter how neutral and well-intentioned it is–may still sound like a criticism or attack. 

Occasionally, it is better to allow the anger and other negative emotions to subside before you resume a more rational discussion with your spouse. 

Remember, anger fuels anger, while calm energy creates a calmer discussion.

Practice self-care.

It is completely normal if you feel emotionally exhausted when dealing with a resentful, angry spouse. Hence, self-care during this time is more important than ever. Surround yourself with your “supportive” tribe, such as your friends and family.